Would I fly with an angel?

Okay to anyone who still reads this blog, please, remove my link from ur page. I'm hoping it remains private and well the same as before.. it's a blog i've had for ages.. would like to keep it and not have to move to another site. my sand dollar one has degenerated. really badly.

Anyways, I'm really not really so sullen, sad and pessimistic. It's just the way i express myself. I don't believe in expressing all these negative feelings in plain view of people, prefer to keep it bottled in, if that's the way u like to put it.

Well, it's not that im listing out the worst things and refusing to live with it. I now try my best to reflect on what i've got and all that and try to see it the better way. Like talking to my brother i decided to take the better way of thinking hey i've got so much others haven't got i've got to be thankful for it and maybe that's why people react that way to me even. Just forget it, get over how people treat me. But that was yesterday.

And guess what i got to the point where I told my parents "don't worry i'm fine, anyways life in smu is starting for me, and it's starting up great, i seem to be getting everything, ambassadors even when i least expected it, and my friends in smu seem ok great and fine, i'm getting used to the system, i'm finally being recognized and used by BE. I actually had someone who didnt even know me well stand up for me when one of the seniors doubted my ability to be involved in a certain event. And best of all, i managed to prove myself by doing the best ever greatest job on that event with an international star. Never felt so accomplished. Don't worry it's fine" I told them all this half believing it, when i got a second rejection frm UT Austin. Well, how many times does one girl's dream have to be shattered?

Why don't you try it and see if you can still keep up bouncing frm place to place cracking jokes and trying ur best to be little miss sunshine? Try it and tell me if u're still able to be urself.

Well, it was tough as hell, but i convinced myself i was better off where i am or am stuck. Not once did i give a friend shit, did i vent my frustrations on them. In fact most had the impression that hey i didn't get in! great news woohoo i get to see u guys for so long more!

Cuz when they asked abt it i'd tell it to them that way.... If not, i wouldnt even mention it cuz some might still be able to tell that i'm upset.

And again, in comes my philosophy that if u're unhappy, u shudden take it out on others by being mean to them, sarcastic in that mean hurtful way, or u shud try ur best not to do the whole sullen sullen thing cuz it spoils others' days. Really, just a simple phrase, pat of assurance, and a brilliant smile, can brighten up someone's day or warm a room, and that i definitely know about. And one of the happiest things about today, no make it the happiest thing... was that i managed to make someone not feel that bad abt himself, and remind him to not let what someone who doesnt even know him says affect him. A simple phrase to remind him to not let anyone judge him, to not let anyone bring him down. And i'm pretty sure it cheered him up and having done it despite what happened today, I feel absolutely great. Amazing how something so simple can make two people's days. And what's nicer's the way when i was at the arcade and he saw me, he went "xm!!!!!!!! i have sth for u!!!!" and he gave me these bright blue (i think mardi gras) beads tt i previously asked him where he got frm cuz they looked really cute... Well i'll definitely keep them. Kinda a reminder how u can brighten someone's day and ur own so easily. Kinda a reminder to brighten someone's day once everyday at least.

Well, about what happened today here's about sums it up: We were at social security and well i was just myself bouncing frm place to place and so i bounced back to my seat n put my head on this girl's shoulder i tot she was in a pretty good mood anyways cuz previously she was laughing n joking anyways. and she pushed me away. So obviously i went "why what's wrong bleah these are the mood swings i talk about la" And then She went in a really harsh, sarcastic, mean, irritated, "im trying so hard to be so patient with u, u fucker" tone..."I just need my own peace and quiet and just being around you, i can't get that around you!" And seriously, the way she said it, well i've never been so hurt by a friend. And i guess it's true when i was told that the way i work, only friends can hurt me. And i've always assumed they'd never do so, i avoided getting serious with guys cuz i didnt want hurt, i avoided so many things and put friends as a priority and wound up getting so hurt.

I was so taken aback i just sat there a moment looking at my hands and i really got so pissed off that i just went "i can't stand sitting nxt to a bitch" and i walked away to sit elsewhere. It was really like a slap in the face, what she said. Well, i guess expectedly, cuz i've always been the odd one out with this bunch, so no one even stood up for me. When i know other friends not here now, would stand up for me in a flash, people like cheryl and mich and all that. I'd do the same for anyone i'd tell that person who scolded my friend that she was way too harsh n tt she cudda explained tt she's not in a good mood sorry just wanna be alone... then go off to try to make things better or cheer my friend up.

Well, i guess i am alone on this trip. Absolutely, totally, completely alone. So don't touch me please, don't talk to me, just leave me alone yea. But this isn't really the point.. what's the point was what that girl said to me. And it's really like she doesn't care that she just did something like that to spoil someone's summer, when she already knows that i feel terrible about the situation i'm caught in now, tt i feel left out, tt i feel shitty abt her previous sarcastic comments.

Amazing how what one nice thing u do for others can make their day, but how one mean thing u do to a friend can spoil their entire experience with you, including the entire summer.
I plan to cancel my flight from sanfran. I'm giving up the city of angels, and the city of my dreams, the state i've always wanted to go to, california. Maybe i'm gonna wind up like my mom, going to a place she always wanted to go to 30 yrs later. But yes, i have to do this cuz i've been receiving this kinda shit since new york, and i dont think i'll enjoy sanfran with this bunch. Not the bunch but probably one girl. When my parents thought i was spoilt, well wait till they meet her. She's not a brat in the i dunno how to do this or that im so irresponsible way, but in the rude, i can scold who the fuck i like kinda way. It's something like how me john zak matt discussed abt scholars, esp in smu. They think they're the greatest, smartest, so wonderful, so impressive. They put themselves in the center of the universe, and stop considering others. And they're usually very rude n bratty. I was always differing frm them i told them the scholars i knew are just like us, and that they're fun people too, and have no airs n all. Now i think differently. Really. Well people change, and i change frm experience.

Hopefully i get to change my flight to leave frm new york. Yea it seems really wasted to just leave after worktravel like that, but i guess i'll be doing my travelling with my parents to texas in both dallas and austin, and to washington with my supposedly fun and pretty mix blood cousins(pls be fun pls be fun) n to boston to play with my baby cousins.. okay not so baby anymore but still absolutely adorable.

Kinda depressing, at least to me, how i coulda grown up here like my cousins, but all thanks to a simple decision my dad took, i wound up the mess i am now, in Singapore. A country i've come to both respect yet hate.

Also, try being the ONLY one on the paternal side of the family who had her uni education locally, esp in singapore. NOT A SINGLE ONE had their uni ed locally. not in msia, not in sg. And most of them ended up overseas. my bro's gonna start working overseas, in new york, the other one is prob gonna get pr in aussie, and my cousins? One's in wall street, the other is flying here n there, in the us, and basically they all had a chance and most took it to stay overseas. And i really can understand why. I never really fit into the perfect singaporean model, I could act and speak n all like a typical singaporean, but my ideals, my values and everything that meant the most to me are SO different. And really, in Singaporea, being different is a sin, it's a crime. U get crucified at all levels for it.

Really, if ure going thru ur shit, ur whole homesick so i have the right to mood swing and treat people like shit thing, then try going thru my shit. not that im worse, but even when someone acts like they're infallible, unbreakable, just remember they're not. Try losing ur camera trying to hide it frm ur parents by working nights and lying and lying and lying. Try feeling so messed up trying to guess which of ur friends took the camera, cuz u know it has to be one of them. Then try having ur parents find out that u've been working to earn back a camera. That u come back so tired and so late everyday to get that camera. Then they start quarrelling over me, and then ask me to choose whether i want them to divorce. And when i break down, one of them goes "u have to accept it sooner or later, u always refuse to accept it, me n ur dad just can't live together, we're always quarrelling about you, u have to accept it. And i'm so, so, so scared of the d word. How is a child supposed to react when her parents ask if she wants to divorce? They're quarrelling every single day, she overhears one of them complaining to the world that her daughter's the most terrible one in the world, abt how other people's daughters are better, telling her sister that she's lucky her daughter stays at home and studies so hard all day.

That's something i just cannot accomplish cuz it's the way i am. I'm sorry, but it's the way i am. It's kinda tiring to keep getting hurt this way by everyone who takes priority in ur life. To keep getting driven into a corner, made to choose. To realize that my parents want to divorce because of me. To realize im always the root of others' problems.

I have seriously been thru too much in half a yr. and i've just abt had enough, and i thought hey maybe being away frm my parents' life wud be better... and this happens. Supposedly she was also annoyed tt when we were trying on clothes ytd at atlantic city i went "u look fat in this" or "u look like my mom", but at least my tone was joking and not the i wish u'd go to hell kind. Anyone who knows me would know that i make this kinda comments out of sheer habit when it comes to how u look in clothes n all. i wudden think anyone wud mind it really but i guess i found someone who does so yea i'll definitely stop it. completely. with her. There is a huge difference with what i say and what she said. You can't keep saying this is just how i am. You can't keep saying cuz this is how i am so it's fine if i say something mean to u regularly... something really really really hurtful. REGULARLY.

U cant keep doing something MEANT to hurt others and then say sorry and explain(thru a friend) and then go back to doing it again right?

I'm sorry, i follow my philosophy, and no, i cannot forgive or forget what's happened. Cuz it's not the first time, and i'm honestly tired. Two days in a row i get shit frm two different people. Innocent crazy things i do like resting my head on someone's shoulder in the kinda way tt i'll take my head off soon kind, or like hey can i look at ur watch i wanna see if i wanna buy it too. and with an answer no, i just keep asking plsplsplsplspls, like how i always do, and then i get shit.

And worse of all, these people already know tt i feel left out. I mean i don't show it but i guess sometimes i express too much in my msn nick. When u knwo someone's feeling terrible, u don't try to make it worse. Cuz well at least i fucking don't try to hurt my friends more than they already are. And especially not my close friends.

So no matter who on this trip tries to talk to me, really it can't remedy any situation. I can still be civil for simple social purposes, but i really cannot be friendly anymore. I can only be fake. Yes, i said it, no matter how much i hate such people, i'm forced in this circumstance.

I'd really like to untie this knot in my heart. it's like something that stops me frm being happy ol crazy me who likes listening to boppy and fun crazy songs and rock songs and twirling her broom and lipsynching to it as she cleans the rides.

And when i say tt hey i'm doing so much shit for u all, and this is how u treat me? I dont mean that they have to be extra nice to me just cuz i did booking and organizing and pr-ing and all to make the new york trip as great as it could be in 3 nights. But please, don't treat me like shit when something turns out bad. Don't put the blame on me and give me the whole ah fuck u vibe. I hate being taken for granted, please don't keep thinking that just cuz i seem like i'll always be here cuz im so quick at recovering so quick at going back to crazy happy smiley, it means u can conveniently use me as a punching bag. Just cuz im the odd one out, it doesn tmean it's easier to single me out to do or say mean things to me. I don't want u to treat me better, i just don't want u to keep saying or doing things to intentionally hurt me, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I'm only human n i have a limit, and so i am deciding that i will sacrifice something i always wanted yet another dream, shatter another dream, JUST so i can avoid you, and so i won't subject myself to more hurt.

Anyone who knows me would know that when hurt i withdraw like craz. Well here's an example. And u know ive been horribly hurt, that's why. It's not one incident. It's a whole series that has been bringing me down bit by bit thruout this time. And it's taken me to rock bottom now. I'm barely scraping the bottom or scraping by. There are somethings that remain true and important to me. And i guess these are things u won't understand, cuz u're still stuck in ur safe little world, where u think it's fine to treat friends like that.

I should have known and should have learnt and should have listened to my family n friends who keep telling me that im a pushover, that i do things for others and still let others vent their frustrations on me, and that if others give me shit i shud give them shit back. I should have listened that i really did put my friends before my family, that whenever i got shit frm friends i'd keep it in, then it'd affect my mood and i'd unleash the unhappiness only on my family. I hate what i did, really.

Really, i don't belong in singapore. I'm nothing like the others, sure i've changed, but really, i like the person i am now much more than the person i was. Thou im still quite a pushover acc to pple, im less of one, and yea admittedly over the yrs in jc council n working on projects and being given responsibilities, i have started to become someone who prefers working alone, and thus perhaps whatever offences i may have had in the beginning. But really u can't fault anyone for becoming like that, given that she had to go thru alot of things alone, that she had people around just to take credit for her work, and she'd keep letting them, that she'd have people bail out on her or not keep their promise such that she was left alone to work on a huge project. It has changed me in that sense, i guess. But at least now im abit more confident that i was, at least i'm able to handle myself beter, carry myself in a better way.

Well, it's late here, and even after all this i sigh off with a heavy heart. don't come and msn me and go i'll be there for u or i'll be here for u, really. i'll deal, i guess, alone, as usual.