Saturday, May 06, 2006
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors, faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries
Don't fall away
And leave me to myself
Don't fall away
And leave love bleeding
In my hands
Miserable, that about sums up what i'm feeling now. And it's not work, it's not me being homesick. Even thou i'm in some ghost town, i still absolutely love the USA. It's got nothing to do with having to cook my own meals, budget, or even wash my own clothes. I actually have fun doing those. But again, as it always is again and again, it is that feeling of having been let down, and being taken for granted.
I like my roommates they are nice people, but they sleep so early i'm ALWAYS left to do EVERYTHING in the dark. and anyone who has access to this blog would know that im a late sleeper. It's on the verge of insomnia. Even if i sleep early, i'll wake in the middle of the night. and i'd really like to sleep one time thru. Feels like i've left everything in sg, agreed to miss out on everything happening in the lives of everyone i care about, to go to a place with people i'm wondering so much about. I'm really beginning to wonder whether they're even worth caring about. Whether they're worth me being so concerned with pleasing them, making them happy, and making sure that whatever i do for them, it goes smoothly and perfectly, that everything turns out great. Whether they're worth taking shit from, especially when something screws up. It doesnt take a straight in-the-face blame thing to hurt someone, all it takes is tone of voice, behaviour and sarcasm. But then again, other than that, i do get the in-the-face blame thing too... I feel like crying everytime it happens, like everytime something screws up, everyone should just look at me, point fingers at me and say it's all my fault, just cuz i SEEMED to be in that position where i was responsible for it. Why only me? I don't make decisions for everyone, not especially decisions from before. I know, i know, i'm supposed to be one who's strong. I'm supposed to be strong enough to take all this flak. Take all this sudden unfriendliness, all this negative behaviour. But i'm just about as strong as the next girl.
How many can take a throw from having faith in someone, having respected someone in the past, to realizing that ur faith and respect were all in the wrong place, that u cared about the wrong person, that the friends you cared about and who reciprocated were thousands of miles away. That u were stuck in a strange place so far away with people who don't even give a shit, feeling let down that u have even put faith in them. Wake up girl cuz no one here cares about you, all you are to them is someone to do the dirty work then take the dirty blame when the dirty work's not well done enough.
Just, eat and live normally, and wait for this nightmare to end, or for things to change. My parents told me to not travel to west coast now, and to just come back straight. And they're confirm chop plus guarantee not letting them stay in auntie lynette's place in dc or my uncle's place in boston.
Hopefully when the time comes and i can't do much to help, i don't get shoved aside like a useless rag. Talking to my parents today, i started crying. i was the only one in the downstairs hallway and the downstairs apartments were empty, and i just started crying. I think my philosophy of venting whatever frustrations i have caused by others on myself is backfiring. Keeping it all in, it's backfiring. Bottling it all up may not be too smart. Took a jog just now, alone in the evening, some pple told me it's dangerous. But i don't really care, cuz jogging alone just helps me to release some frustrations. The pain i feel cuz im not very fit, it's quite an outlet. And the reflection to the point where i just burst out in a sprint sometimes to just shake all the horrible feelings off, it's liberating. It's just me and my music, everything i need to calm me down, make me feel better, cuz no one here can cheer me up. at all. I'd like to go out to the boardwalk alone at night just to sit and think, but the boardwalk's getting kinda crazy with really rowdy caucasian kids either making racist remarks, or just doing such idiotic things i just wanna kick them. I won't get that quiet or that alone to just sit there and enjoy the cold wind against my face. And i don't want anyone to come up to me and talk to me, as in how am i supposed to react or know anything? i'd rather it not happen, cuz it kinda scares me especially when some of these kids are crazy to the point of being scary sometimes.
Can't believe i actually cried on the phone with BOTH my parents. I really wonder what they must think now.
So much for coming on this trip to prove that i could live alone, as in without them.
Actually, i don't really need them in that i'm doing fine in all other aspects.. except one. But so much for showing my weakness when i came here to show them what i could do, my strengths, to prove to them that they have always underestimated me.
Wish i could simply... slip, slip, slip away.
She needed someone at 9:22 PM
