There just doesnt seem to be any song i can find that can match what i'm feeling now. None of them sounds as upset as i have been.

So much has happened at home, but everytime i try to talk about it, it comes out wrong, as if i don't care about what's going on. As if i'm strong enough to withstand everything. As if i'm already grown up and know how to handle so many problems laden onto my plate at once.

So far, all i've tried to do is just to keep myself away from home as much as possible. Cuz i really don't know what else to do other than run away. It really is the only thing i know how to do. Run away from my problems and pretend nothing's happened.

I don't know how to talk to her and tell her that it's affecting me as much as it is affecting her. I don't know how to put it in a proper way. Well my brothers are lucky cuz they get to leave. One's already gone, and one's leaving this week. And then they won't have anymore problems. They say that u learn to grow up and be independent when u're overseas, but somehow at this point in time, it's as if i'm the one who's trying to handle anything. As if i'm the only one growing up. As if i was made to stay in Singapore by some supernatural force, to be the glue keeping my family together. As if fate decreed that i had this job to do... to stay here and somehow be someone my parents can lean on and yet i become some kind of punching bag as well. And now i feel as if i'm the one causing all the problems and i can't help blaming myself.

I really want to leave but i don't know why it's so difficult. It's so hard to write an essay i can be proud of. It's so hard to juggle everything and meet deadlines. And i keep thinking, what will happen if i leave? There isn't anyone sane at home for my dad anymore. Daddy's little girl won't be around to make him feel as if staying at home is worth something. Daddy's little girl will be making him worry all day and all night long. Daddy's little girl won't be there for him to cuddle and spoil. Daddy's little girl won't be there to wash dishes with him. Daddy's little girl won't be there for him, worrying about him, fussing over him. Daddy's little girl won't be there being silly to make him laugh. Daddy's little girl simply won't be there anymore.

Yet somehow i feel that this place would be better off without me. SMU would be a better place without me, Singapore would be a better place without me, my family would be better off without me. Funny how i spent half my life striving to please others, but in the end i'm just like a tumour. Perhaps even worse. Perhaps it's about time for me to just learn more about solitude. Anyways, i've always wanted that. Go someplace where no one knows me and i don't feel like i have to upkeep anything. I can be who i wanna be and what i wanna be. I can focus on overachieving. I don't have to keep thinking about others.

To make things worse, it's really beginning to seem like my friends are only interested in taking advantage of me. And the ones who would never do anything to hurt me and the ones i'll give my all for aren't really around much anymore. I'm like a backup to the friends surrounding me now, and i'm like forgotten to others. Easily replaced. And so i am that common. So replaceable. And it's so hard to make new friends. Easily said, I don't matter. Or maybe i've been taken for granted. So again, the solution is to leave Singapore, so i won't be so available anymore.

Really, if God does exist, he must hate me that much more than others. There's only that much someone can take at one time. I could be given all the physical health i can have, but when your life and happiness and family is taken away, what have u really been given? I'm really not as strong as I seem to be.

And i can't keep keeping up that facade. It's so, so, so tiring. I wish everything would blow over or at least i can remove myself from everything for eternity.

Everything's bottling up inside, cuz i can't imagine how people would react if i were to break down in front of them, especially uni people, people i don't know too well or trust too much.

I'm so tired.