Wednesday, October 26, 2005
There's been so many issues since uni started, i really don't know where to start, or who to talk to.
I'm beginning to get used to uni life, particularly smu, yet i dont feel like i belong. haha does that even make sense, i've got plenty of friends, i've gotten used to life, i've gotten used to the mundane drone my life's become, but i don't feel like i belong. basically, i go to school everyday feeling so surrounded, so claustrophobic, yet really alone, friendless. does that even make sense. i have people to hang out with, but no one i really see as a true friend. basically, maybe it's me maybe i just don't trust anyone with my thoughts. funny huh, and here i am typing away. i just trust that no one from smu is reading this, at least no one from smu who i knew from smu.
everyday, just.. entering sch. i feel really inferior to everyone around me. it's like, everyone's smarter, everyone's got a talent, everyone's got a purpose. And there's there's me, me who doesnt get anything in AS or MA, while everyone gets every damn thing. me who has no talent, an absolute reject. and me who really actually has no particular cca. pretty much me who's really lost. This, is really not a good year for me. I'm failing in everything, getting let down in every single aspect of my life, underachieving. Or maybe it's time for me to face reality, there's really nothing special about me. in fact, in addition to not being special, maybe not not even a nice person. maybe i'm someone ought to be damned. maybe i'm the worst friend someone can have. maybe i'm some backstabbing bitch and i don't realise it. i've never felt so horrible about myself this whole year. not even when i missed the flight. not even when what happened, happened. not even when i realized i didnt make it to a school i've aimed for a year. when i realized i didnt make it out of this country, sth i've aimed for since i could last remember. right now, it's like all these are hitting me, combined with other stuff. my inaptitude in ma so much so im troubling people for help, and feeling bad abt it cuz somehow i feel by asking for help i'm being more of a nuisance. uni should be about being independent... i shouldnt need to have people teaching me. i should be self sufficient, and yet i'm not. and i'm unable to help others cuz i'm just.. not good at anything. I'm lousy at AS when the world seems to be able to finish everything on their own. I'm lousy at understanding anything during class. I'm lousy at multitasking. I'm lousy at auditioning for anything. I just never get in, so sometimes, it just boils down to "why try?". I really don't know what else i can do. and what can i do in a biz uni? i'm not good at anything, ANYTHING. at least last time in jc, i had faith in my bio and econs. but now i have nothing to be proud of, nothing i'm particularly good at. so right now i'm wondering what i am doing in a uni filled with talented people, with people who are a million times more suitable for business than me. people a million times more creative than me. and then, the words from pretty much everyone i know starts ringing in my head... "why take a marketing major???? u dont need it to get a job in marketing! n marketing's one of the lowest paying jobs!!!! there's so many people out there better than you, u're really nothing compared to them, do u realise? why do u keep insisting in specializing in this? marketing needs numbers too, u're so afraid of numbers, if u cant get over it, how are you going to do marketing? u don't read widely enough! u're really only good in bio, i told you so many times since so many years ago that u shud just go into research, into microbio, into pharmacy, now then u realize that u should have taken that? it's too late! what are u going to do now? how can u do business if u can't get over ur fear of calculations and numbers? u're so terrible at maths how can u ever do business? u're just not cut out for business why didnt u listen to me? why did u stubbornly choose business still? smu somemore! if u went to nus or ntu at least u cud take a second degree in bio!(they dont realise how difficult it is to do that in the other unis)law is still the best for u! u like arguing so much, ur language is strong, why didnt u take up law? it was right in front of u, and u chose smu over law? how stupid can u get? law pays so much better, so much more prestigious, and it's in nus! nus is so much more established!it's either law or research microbio or pharmacy! why did u have to choose business? i told u so many times that business needs maths u just didnt listen!u lack focus, u just cant finish anything, cant do anything, u cant even finish up ur driving, u're so absent-minded, u've got drive sure, but u just have no focus so u cant achieve anything"
I think i'm going crazy cuz i keep hearing all these going over and over in my head, it's getting so so so hard to sort out my own thoughts from what other people say. and i wish i knew how to ignore what people say. i wish i knew how to follow my own heart, be guided by my own stars.
now i AM wondering if i shudda taken microbio. or maybe taken microbio with business, overseas. considered that as an option. at least i'll have something to define me differently from all these business students i meet in smu. i'm not as charismatic, yet not so good in studies, not as good with numbers, and i still haven't found that group of friends i can really hang out with.
I did find that once. but of course, nothing lasts. there had to be someone stirring up trouble all the time. there's that one person who just chronically lies to me and thinks it's funny, chronically makes fun of me in the worst possible non-funny ways. and i have told him that i really dont find it funny, and told him to stop it. but i think i really don't want to put myself in harm's way again by staying in this group. because if i do, i'll just find myself another punching bag, another useless thing constantly made fun of. it's useless to banish someone to the darkest depths of hell then try to lift her up again by trying to say nice things occasionally. it has absolutely no effect of salvation. so what am i supposed to do? i really really CANNOT keep pretending to be so overly-friendly, when i really cannot stand being around that person. i dont want to be lied to again and to be played like the fool again. i mean he can be nice, but i dont want to subject myself to all this abuse. i dont want to have any doubt about whether he's a nice guy or something.
and i think i'm being thought of as a backstabber bitch or something cuz of this conflict. somehow, it's become me, doing all this. cuz i got angry at him and did stuff like blocked him or scolded him. well. tell me this, would u get angry at someone who lied to u to get personal information out of u? would u get angry at someone who keeps lying to get himself out of trouble? would u get angry who keeps insulting u in the worst ways possible? and would u get angry if u told him off and he still kept at it?
so now i'm really trying to avoid him, avoid talking to him, avoid hanging out with him. and sometimes i just feel like im being played up as the horrid bitch here, cuz of the things those closer to him say. i really do have a choice in the friends i make don't i. who i keep a distance from, and those i let into my life? and somehow i think my carefree behaviour in school only makes things worse. it makes it weird when pple see me feeling down, or abit more quiet, abit more introspective, abit more serious. basically. it's like in the past in council, before the work started everyone thought i was the happy-go-lucky girl who really knew nothing about the world out there, couldnt take care of herself, couldnt do any work, and is only to be kept around as a joke. but when the work started, i got serious, and it felt good cuz i proved myself. but now? i can't i just can't prove myself cuz i dont have something like council. SA is eons away from council, really.
really, how. just how. can i prove myself? it really sucks when the world assumes u're just some sheltered brat who can't take care of herself and really shouldnt be let out of her mama's sight, when u urself know what u've done and what u're capable of. cuz the world only then strives to bring u down frm ur pedestal, wait for you to fall from grace. wait for u to stop being that happy girl, cuz people secretly really hate that. i kinda still don't know what the world wants me to be. happy or not? carefree or not? really. tell me. who do u want me to be, how do u want me to be, i'll change, i'll change to please u. i'll do anything, i've given up trying to be myself, cuz somehow i just seem to be someone people just love making assumptions about. i'm just some kind of a target. sometimes, my life could be better if i didnt meet certain people. if i could start over again. but really, i guess i can never. i'm really a really horrible friend to have. a selfish, terrible brat. a backstabber. a bitch. guess ive gone back to square one with my self confidence.
She needed someone at 8:06 AM
