Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Dishwalla-Every Little Thing
Let me in to see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come, I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
And when you find out who you are its too late to change
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes
Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound
Let me hold you up before you hit the ground
See all come, you say your alright
But i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away
And when you find out who you are too late to change
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, every thing you wanted, all the time
Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Soon nothing will right at all, salvation
Cause when you find out who you are too late to change
Too late to change
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted every little you wanted all the time
This time, every little thing you wanted all the time, oh
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
My song of the moment in this moment. Been home alone for about 5 nights... kinda enjoying it, cuz it's giving me time to reflect. Right now, missing alot of people. Transition into uni really isnt easy, and I'm far from being over not realizing that dream i've held for as long as my conscious mind existed, to have the chance to study overseas. Everything that hit me when I found out that I didnt get in, is, for some strange reason coming back to haunt me right now. Especially that feeling like all my dreams have been shattered. The only reaction i had back then was just to huddle in a corner on my bed and i just couldnt stop crying. yes, im a wussy. But there was so many emotions at a time, I just couldnt deal. Not like i can even deal with them right now. Especially right now when each day I spend in school convinces me that this school this country isn't right for me. It isn't really the system. It's the stigma, it's the people. I can handle a system like that... but I can't handle the people. It's also been the people back in secsch and jc that made me want to escape. And right now, it's still the people. Not my close friends of course, but the people in my surroundings. And now that im in uni, it's just even worse. People are more uncaring, more judgemental, more superficial, more materialistic, they say the worst things, spread the worst things, and cant find better things to do with their lives than backstabbing people. Really wish I could find that sincere soul I could love with all my heart in uni, just as i found those few friends from last time who i love with all my heart now. Just seeing them can make my day. That's how great it can be. But I know that they'll soon leave, and I'm really wondering how i'm gonna face life without them. At least now i know they're there. But soon, who am i gonna have as my safety net? people who'll care no matter what. people who mean what they say. I can't find that in uni... Maybe I have too little faith in people at this point, been disappointed along the way alot of times. But whatever way I try to see it, there isnt anything that can make me really want to stay here in school. I still don't really belong, despite having a so called "gang" here. But i can't be sure of whether i can trust them. Sometimes, thou they are really great, I just don't know if i can trust them with my innermost thoughts, whether it's alright when i feel horrible and they're around, don't know if they'll be there for me or for the matter, each other. Somehow, I don't get the feeling that I can make friends like cheryl or michie in uni. People u feel absolutely comfortable ard. People u can call out to mope over a bad hair day or something horrid that happened. People u can count on to stay in some cafe for hours on end, just talking about nothing yet something. People who will bother to listen to every little detail of your life, and i know i will do the same for them... right down to the colour of their paddle pop stick(=P). people who u know will stand up for u. people u think about all the time, people who mean the world to u. people who have been such a significant part of your past, without them, life's really lost most of its meaning. people who u know will always be there, who make u feel all safe and protected so that u can go out there, get to know people, and yet know u have such people behind u all the way, so it doesnt matter anymore the mean things people say.
Doubt i can find that in uni. I really wish i could leave, but the chances are i wont be able to make it. Basically that one dream i had all my life just disappeared in a moment. It's kinda hard to deal, really. Each time talk of overseas or about how well my bro is doing comes up, I cant help but feel horrid. I'm really lost. Don't know how to deal with something like that. I don't want to be here, yet I am here. And i know alot of people i treasure will be leaving in a matter of time. I don't want to be surrounded by a pack of wolves, anticipating my fall from grace. It'd be nice if there were people i could trust around everyday.
Zing's achieved so much... he's got a job in nyc, he's graduating with masters and a bachelors, he's got great friends in singapore, he's got great friends overseas, who don't take him for granted. I just want half of what he's got. I pushed myself over the edge in j1 to prove myself worthy of a chance to go overseas, and then i threw that away in j2. I've been pushing myself so hard to get somewhere near where he is. Yet I don't seem to see myself reaching that goal. I don't seem to see myself in the position he is in. Starting to kinda make me hate myself, and wonder what im really made of. It's making me feel like im just not good enough to achieve anything. Really, I'm not even good at anything. I'm struggling with my head just below the waterline. And this time, there isnt anyone to help me out of this. Suddenly, I'm wondering what ive been and am working towards. I'm not even sure of what i want to do. I'm not even sure if a biz course is right for me. I've got so many voices in my head, it's just pulling me apart with decisions to make.
Wish i could belong just once in my life. Wish I could just deal, just for once. Need to learn how to take all of this, without breaking down in such a cold, cold school, people will only be pointing fingers.
Wish I could be, every little thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes.
She needed someone at 6:03 AM
