Saturday, August 27, 2005
Jewel - Standing Still
Cuttin’ through the darkest night
In my two headlights
I’m trying to keep it clear
But I’m losing it here
To the twilight
There’s a dead end to my left
There’s a burning bush to my right
You aren’t in sight
You aren’t in sight
Do you want me
Like I want you?
Chorus
Or am I standing still?
Beneath the darkened sky
Or am I standing still?
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still?
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you passin' me by?
Mothers on a stoop
Boys in souped-up coupes
On this hot summer night
Between fight and flight
Is the blind man’s sight
And the choice that’s right
I roll the window down
Feels like I’m gonna drown
In this strange town
I feel broken down
I feel broken down
Do you need me
Like I need you?
Chorus
Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow
Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow
Do you love me
Like I love you?
Chorus
Oh, you’re passing me by
Passing me by
Do you need me like I need you to?
Do you want me like I want you?
Or are you passing me by?
Or am I standing still?
surprise surprise... i'm blogging again! whoaaaa..... been ages since i blogged and flooble is giving on me again. shucks. life sucks. anyways... yea any comments save it for when i sign up for a new flooble account i guess. haha... actually there's another version of this... an entry with the same title.. but think that was abit too much to put up. but yea. all in all, i'm feeling pretty darn miserable abt staying in sg and going to the sch im in. it really is more abt the marketing than the substance. it's just a very prettily decorated empty shell, as are most of the people here. they're vain, overly image conscious, political, and mean creatures. yes creatures, it actually takes me effort before i can see them as humans or peers anymore. life's been pretty bumpy so far in my transition into uni... what with all that talk that really is very unneccessary... and is eventually quite hurtful. but well all these mental and emotional bashing have kinda made me kinda cold. as in i guess over these 8 months ive gotten more vicious, i've started believing more in getting back at people, and i've kinda stopped totally trusting people and i've kinda started lying so much more. sometimes i don't know who i really am. but i'm starting to believe that if u don't hurt someone, that person eventually will hurt u. yups, warped philosophy, warped me. but really, i realised, as u go thru more and more of life's trials and tribulations, as u get hurt more and more, u get immune, and u kinda sometimes become obsessed with getting back. i guess i finally got back at him. i felt an odd sense of satisfaction with an underlying sense of guilt. really, the girl i was... she doesnt really exist anymore i think. maybe. i'm no longer human. i've become a social machine. trying to blend into society's norm, trying to be like everyone, yet failing miserably. and feeling miserable in the situation i am, and not knowing how to make the best out of this.
everything that the seniors i knew before entering this school told me... were either lies, or didnt apply to my batch. it's the first week and i feel extremely stressed out, extremely pressurized, and absolutely missing the innocence of any school before this. maybe it's the mixture of 21 yr old guys and us 18 yr old girls...i just don't feel like anything's real anymore. don't feel like i can get as close to certain people as the friends i have now who hail from way back. don't feel like i can exactly trust anyone. wish relationships between people were more personal than social. yet, it kinda is life. roy, the uni grad i met on my trip to china, actually said hey it's good for u, it's training for the working world. and now he's working as a financial consultant in dbs... despite being trained as an engineer. so i guess he'd kinda know. sometimes i wonder why i chose this school over something as prestigious as nus law. somewhere that is supposedly very fun for my batch. guess my place is the wannabe-place. maybe i'm one too. who knows... and i hate myself for procrastinating, partly cuz of how i was seriously considering this school. i thought it'd really BE different. but guess i thought wrong.
life doesnt get more superficial or materialistic than this, really. other than this, don't really feel like i've walked thru most of these people's lives... so there's so much i don't know about them, so many i cant trust because of that. trusting someone means putting yourself up for hurt.
maybe u can say im miserable where i am, because i have friends to hang out with, but no real friends. that could be what alota pple are facing now. i kinda wish i could feel that closeness i felt to certain people back then. when we could just talk all night about nothing at all, when we could act silly around each other, when we didnt mind when each other looked like shit eg when sick or when gross and sweaty, when we can say we loved each other. when politics only existed in a certain part of your life, and didnt permeate thru every aspect. when u could just be u. i loved times like these. and despite being willing to give everything to have all that closeness back, it's passed me by. as everything has and will.
i really don't want to keep going to school everyday, worrying if i look presentable, worrying what people would be saying about me, worrying that i'll tread on the wrong foot. yes there's the influential people and well we'd all be better off not associating ourselves with them in case of stepping on their feet. if this keeps on, uni is really gonna mess with my head. and the xiaomin u knew inside out, every aspect, will just change. she wont really exist anymore... she'll just become another empty shell.
like everybody else.
somebody save me from this eternal damnation. i love my friends and i wanna stay the way i am for them, yet i feel myself slipping away.
She needed someone at 12:59 PM
