Friday, July 22, 2005
back from an og gathering cum supper. ive never really tried this hard to adapt or get used to pple. or a grp of pple. i hate ns. taking away pple i care abt and giving me pple i cudden care less abt or pple who think so highly of themselves cuz they're 2 yrs older. i mean sure, im young, babyish, whatever. childish even. but isnt there always some time in life. when u need someone who'll do anything to make you laugh. haha sometimes people like that feel and get underappreciated. usu it's so easy to adapt. just now, it's different... feel like i HAVE to change. i cant be carefree, cant stay true to my ideals, and that people dont respect me for who i am. which is v diff frm my com service grp, really. maybe i've met some typical singaporeans as i was forewarned by some. as in pple dont respect my ideals. they dont understand that u can keep to your ideals and i can keep to mine... mutual respect? dont feel like they deserve my respect. being nice doesnt earn respect. as in normal stuff dont earn no respect. cuz they dont return it. does anyone out there really like me for me. tell me if i should change. maybe i shud start being quiet. or sth. this orientation, it's really an eye opener, despite being the worst i had. im missing everyone.
u just... never realise how impt someone is to you when u lose that person, or u see less of that person.
we all have this flaw of taking others for granted. and me being me, always gets taken for granted.
i think i have an issue with transitions. i always find transitions somewhat hard. and i thought it'd be easy on first impression aft meeting my comm service grp. then came orientation and i decided that maybe life's gonna be tough. so tough that i might have to transfer out. i guess it's just me, my solution to everything seems to be just to run away. i shud quit it. but i dont know how to. im a wimp.
feel like smu is trying to take away everything that makes me who i am. every identity. everything. i love the person i am now, almost. but it's hard to keep at it when im here, trying to get used to a bunch of oldish pple.
life's just... kinda tough now meeting diff pple. and seems like the heavens are throwing them in extremities at me. i think im kinda given up on my og. really. ive tried my best, and i have to pull back now. not gonna let myself keep being brought down by people. i just seem to attract that. even with all these low self esteem and shit, i still keep meeting pple so eager to bring me down. fuck yes there are pple who are trying to be nice. but really, i dont need that, im not dumb. and i dont like that. what am i, a chew toy for u to throw ard and later try to remove the bite marks. oh please. it doesnt help. and no matter how many jokes i crack, how much i seem like a clown... i am farking sensitive like any human is. it doesnt mean u can take advantage of me opening up.
guess it's true what some pple say, i tend to open up too fast, and that exposes me to hurt. kinda. got it full blast this time, pple trying to take advantage of whatever candidness i've shown. pple trying to take advantage of me making jokes at my own expense to break the ice. it's not gonna happen again. never. i'm pulling back. never again. dammit. now im so apprehensive abt whatever camps im going to. there isnt gonna be another chance. i really dont wanna be political. but smu is already rearing its ugly, ugly political head.
somehow, he might be saying such things cuz of my obvious liking for certain pple.
can we all just have fun, school hasnt even started and i feel like transferring out. too much interaction can backfire, really.
really feeling like our lady peace's story about a girl and goo goo dolls' iris.
She needed someone at 1:42 PM
